11/21/13 Thursday

Paul took Mike to school. Beth & I biked to an apt. I get a text around 11am Ms. Rector is at my house. Oh my gosh I forgot to tell her about this PT eval apt. UCP gave me at the last minute. I felt bad for cancelling. Oops.

On the way back, Beth and I stopped at Walmart. She is still hounding me for a binky. She settled for shoe laces instead. I got headlights for my bike. I had a church function to go to tonight and wanted to be safe. I picked up some cheap material for the purses.

Came home, made the cookie dough, went to school and picked up Mike. Oh he scared me today on his bike 3 different times with one being major. God, are you not hearing my prayers to have Mike ride safely?

Made it home in time to do dishes and bake cookies. I need rest. Oh desperately. I have biked about 20 miles and I am weak.

Took a shower and headed out the door. I biked to the bus stop and got on the 102. I was so scared inside, anxious, by myself, and it was all unfamiliar. It was dark outside riding the bus. I wasn’t sure if I would know when or where to get off. I looked up and now the bus is showing it is 103. I just want something I recognize. A landmark, a person, anything familiar. I’m off the bus and GPS the address. I crossed over 436 when I didn’t need to. I don’t recognize anything. I don’t know this bike path/sidewalk in the rain and darkness. Then I saw it. Kim Coe Designs. A place where I didn’t fit in because everything is so extravagant there. I just want to sit far away from everyone and my back to the wall. Then little by little I saw familiar faces. Faces I was comfortable with. But still I dreaded being there. I felt so out of place

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I took pictures every couple of steps. It was all too much. Overboard. And prices I saw….are you serious? These people and my family live in 2 different worlds joined together because Joseph Smith prayed to God with a sincere heart and was given the answer of which church to join and that being none of them.

This lady with her fancy shop is married to the guy who told me I should learn how to control my kids. He is now the first counselor. Somehow I’m just not thrilled to be there.

The former relief society president read this awesome Christmas story. But the real story was how she acquired the book and who wrote it.

Then we played a fun little game of putting our name on a card and something about ourselves that nobody has knowledge of.  I wasn’t crazy about it initially but after hearing things read off it was fun.

Then I came inside and saw the fudge, mint fudge to be exact! I love mint fudge. It is my favorite type of fudge. Now I’m in a great mood. Lol.

Then we got to get items for bracelets to make at home. I got the beads and wire but I’m not sure what to do once I put the beads on and how it connects. I will check it out tomorrow.

I traded books for a helmet. Yay! I did have a good time tonight. Sister Bruce took me home and Sister Anderson brought my bike home. I’m so thankful they did.

Til next time, *l0v3y

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Nov. 20, ’13 Wednesday

In Florida, on Wednesdays, every school has early release except the week of FCAT’s. It’s only by an hour but I tell my kids it’s a short day.

We finally have some kinda system worked out while we are biking to school. Mike leads in the morning and Beth in the afternoon. Since Beth only has a folder, she places it in Mikes back pack. Since they both use the back pack, whoever leads, gets to wear it.

My husband/roommate gets home a few minutes before us. Even on a Wednesday, which I thought to be odd. I was expecting his return after us.

He asked if I still had that $25 because his account was in the negative which I replied it was because of his purchase at Publix last night. He seemed to think not and blamed it on the “mall purchases.” That really upset me.

We went to the mall this past Saturday and split up, Beth with him and Mike with me. We were going for the kids because they had money on their cards from allowance. Funny how Mike and I went and I only bought a $3 pretzel. Mike bought one for himself, ice cream for both of us and a Christmas present for Dad and Beth. Beth on the other hand had dad buy the photo booth pictures, pretzels for them and whatever else. I don’t know what she used her money on because it is Christmas presents. We later met up and Mike played basketball while I sat on the bench and Paul and Beth were around. I looked over and saw Hunger Game merchandise. Buy one, get one for $1. Buy anything hunger games and get a special gift etc. So I have $25 in my savings and my phone is at home so I can’t transfer it to my checking. I beg him to get it and he does. I got a necklace and an armband. Before that purchase was made, he had $80 in his bank.

On Sunday, he went to circle k and bought junk food for all of us so he could get change to fill up our water bottles.

On Monday I have no clue what he bought, just that he had an orthodontist apt. set up and I gave him MY bus ticket only for him to cancel it stating we needed the money more. I love it. He hasn’t been to the Ortho since August and this is the second apt. he has cancelled.

Tuesday, he went to Publix and bought the tacos, ground beef, sour cream, salsa, salad, cheese and whatever else.

But Sunday and Tuesdays purchases didn’t make him go in the negative. Oh no, it was Saturdays mall purchases. Ok, tell me another one. This guy has a bull shit meter filled to the 40th floor on the downtown building I see every day.

So, I come home and hear that and I’m trying to show my gratitude and thank him for what he does do and all this blah blah blah. He looks at me and says: What’s with all the praise lately? Oh Lord, you don’t want to hear my thoughts. I posted to his timeline in Facebook a few days ago about the 28 things to strengthen marriages and it had a picture of a saying pertaining to gratitude and to show it often. I commented: nice reading tonight?
But we never talked about a single one. We never talk about money and budgeting, we never talk about how he should be ignoring Beth during her fits, instead of going in her room and bothering her more. We only talk about his life before us and I just feel like I’m an intrusion to it all.

Til next time, *l0v3y

…..

So he does not smoke, drink, has a job, morals and values, and even does housework. Seems like a great catch.

The tradeoff:
I listen to him complain and how he has to deal with my children, or what his life was like before we came into the picture and how he isn’t used to all this. How he was such a bachelor and only slept here. Monday night Moes, Tuesday tacos, and who knows the rest of the schedule.

And I love this. Every night he asks me what are we going to do for dinner? Well, tonight I told him I took out the thin pieces of steak. We could put those on the hamburger buns before they start growing mold, have noodles & tomatoe sauce, and stuffing. He wants to save the stuffing for Thanksgiving. Understandable. I offer peas instead. He is going on about dinner and he wants something thats easy. He bikes all the way to Publix to pick up tacos. This to me is not only NOT easy, but a stupid waste of money. I think we should eat the food we have. I picked up these soups by bear creek. They are $3 – $4 each and have 8 servings. Put that with rice and call it a meal. I do not care whether my children like what’s served. If they don’t eat it and fill their tummys, it’s on them because food was offered. But he believes otherwise. Cater to the kids.

No sense talking. He just goes on and on and on. As soon as I try and talk, he sugar coats it for me to shut up or just annoys me.

What happened to the days of watching Bones in bed?

What happened to the days of making love? (I sleep naked every night)

What happened to the days of calling Beth rainbows & cupcakes?

What happened to so many more? And when will they return?

Til next time, *l0v3y

November 19, 2013 Tuesday

I had read quotes on line that presidents of the church had said on marriage. I tried expressing gratitude several times since. I may be going through the motions and  in return all I hear is “your welcome.” It sometimes seems he is all about himself. I don’t really remember the last time he complemented me or made me feel good inside.

I feel like I’m on a pond and it has frozen over. I’m skating around the edges, fearful of the center, for it may crack and I don’t know how thick the ice is.

Do I want this marriage to work? Yes. I do. But I need answers and I’m just avoided with the run around. I think that’s what I’m waiting for in order to move on.

Enough about the marriage situation. There is a relief society event this Thursday. I’m so excited. I get these “space saver” ice creams and I decorated it up with material I had previously used as curtains. I know it is butterflies and not autumn but I work with what I got.

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This container is going to hold my soft sugar cookies that taste so delicious. I can’t wait!

So yesterday I broke out the material and I saw the princess and the frog material. Oh guilty conscience. I have had it so long, I forgot to make a purse and show it to the lady who gave me the material.

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She has a non profit organization called one heart for woman & children. She gets donations and has a huge sale on Saturdays. She helps feed the homeless on Mondays. All kinds of great things she does for our community. So, I’m going to drop this purse off this week and maybe a little girl can have a purse as a present for Christmas.

Til next time, *l0v3y

November 17, 2013 Sunday

Felt refreshed going to church. There is an activity this Thursday for relief society. I think I may actually get to go. Last one I attended was a year ago. This ward has a book club too. I’m starting to feel more comfortable little by little. The book club is a bit of a distance with no transportation except buses and bikes. It’s a white elephant exchange and then we are supposed to read a chapter in a self improvement book and tell about it. I’m going to try to attend that too.

Til next time, *l0v3y

November 14, 2013 Thursday

It was a good morning biking to school today. Afterwards, went to a food bank and got a box of food. I had 2 bungee cords with me and after several attempts by others, they got a smaller box and got it hooked on my bike. I went down to Walgreens. Only my scripts were ready. Beths will be tomorrow and the rest on the 16th.

I made it home and relaxed a bit before my counselor had come out and discussed the answers on my sheets about why I get angry, signs I’m angry, what I do when I’m angry, etc. What really upsets me the most is lying & betraying. There are other things too but it’s the betrayal I feel inside. Once I’m betrayed it’s like forget you! I am not sure how to go on from there. And since my husband and I are supposed to be one, how can he just talk to them like nothing happened? How can he even talk to them about my car problems and say that they will take a look at it and what not? Along with getting a ride from them to um, let see, go to the Amtrak station to supposedly visit his mother which he didn’t do. He went up north to Pennsylvania. To Pennsylvania. I understand why he had a magical date of August 16, but why is he still wanting to go in October? Here I was thinking everything was fine and bam! I didn’t even see it coming. It’s like I’m just in purgator waiting. Not knowing his intentions. How could he betray me like this? I don’t have the slightest clue on how to get over it.
If he stays, well it helps financially, it helps with the whole family makeup of a “dad” in the picture, it’s my 4th marriage and last. If he goes, well hope the door don’t hit him in the ass. He’s not a bad guy. But honestly I don’t know how to move past this and feel like I’m just going through the motions until he leaves or I get over it.

Before August 16, I had marriage classes lined up, my drs lined up, support group I had found, etc. All these resources waiting to be utilized but an event in July led to mayhem.

Anywho, the counselor wants me to figure out what the reason is of why I stay. Not surface reasons either.

Got my kids from school and the counselor came back for my kids. That went ok. She had Mike realize his actions cause consequences to others. After she left, he was still grounded. He was reading more tonight. I think this book he is reading may very well be the first book of a decent amount of chapters he’s ever read by himself.

Hope in a way this grounding works so he will read for future discipline.

Beth struggled some with her math homework. It is multiplying double digits. She had half right using a calculator. I erased the other half and made her do it without a calculator. Math is definately not her forte.

Watched some LOTR tonight 🙂

Til next time, *l0v3y